The Momma Salute

Momma Salute Image copyMoms come in all sorts and we are all perfectly crazy and fabulous and in our own way. That’s right I said it ladies so if you can’t deal, this blog isn’t for you.  We are all different, don’t always get along and definitely don’t always get one another.  With school back in action and moms in full swing I thought I would take a minute to appreciate all of you:

1.  The Natural Momma

I see you posting pictures of all the healthy food your family eats and the perfectly prepared planet lunch box you send to school with granola made from scratch.  You always have time to “whip things up” and definitely don’t let your kids have GMOS, food coloring, gluten, dairy, or dirt!  Your child doesn’t come to school eating fruit loops in a bag…heck no… and they most certainly don’t drink from the hose.  Unless they are at someone else’s house…that’s how they wash down their Dorito and Flavor Ice lunch.  You know how to make deodorant, laundry detergent, and dish soap, and only buy Honest Co. or Mrs. Meyers products when you don’t make your own.  The other moms judge and might even hide from you because they don’t want to hear a speech about chia seeds and flax in the pickup line while you polish off your nasty looking green shake that you swear is “delicious.” Plus we all know you are desperately trying to hold in all that green shake and high fiber diet gas you have while we are talking.  I can tell by the way that you keep moving.  Or maybe you just have lots of energy…I’ll never know.   The truth is that I have no idea how you do it and while many moms will deny it they secretly want to be you for at least a moment.  You are teaching your kids how to care about themselves and I envy that.  That’s why for the health nut of a mom that you are I salute you!

2.  The Starbucks Momma

Here you are again carrying another Starbucks cup and sporting your coordinated Lululemon outfit.  Others aren’t buying your “I just rolled out of bed look” since you might even be wearing mascara and your hair looks “messy styled”.  You sport yoga clothes, yet I am pretty sure you are never coming from the gym or on your way.    Perhaps you want to be ready just in case or just love rocking the modern day “mom uniform.”  It doesn’t matter though because you are thin as a rail in those yoga pants, you just aren’t quite conscious of the VPL you are rocking.   Also I hate to say it… but we can see your “bagina” as my little one calls it, so maybe a longer top next time! The rest of us could barely get our kids to school on time, but somehow every day you have time to wait in that long morning drive through line which is nothing short of impressive.  Plus we all know your order takes so long since it’s so specific…soy milk, one pump of this, two pumps of that, minus the coffee, add the beans.   It would take a genius to remember your order or maybe just one of your other Starbucks loving friends.  You all stand together and are like a tribe of skinny soy milk latte breathing friends.   You must spend a small fortune on Starbucks and skip meals the rest of the day to recover from the calories.  Perhaps you just wait until its wine o’clock to have something else.  The others judge you but I find your coffee cup carrying self very impressive.  You look like an incredibly put together mess who clearly knows how to run a tight ship and budget her time and for that I salute you!

3.  The Fitness Momma

I am not sure you actually own regular clothes or even have a hairstyle other than a messy bun with a headband and you are definitely never showered.  Perhaps you are an environmentalist trying to conserve water or just own tons of stock in dry shampoo.  You merge in well with the Natural Momma and Starbucks Momma because you are a good mix of both.  You are always heading to or coming straight from barre , spin, yoga class, or a session with your trainer. Pretty sure you live at the gym and may have changed your mailing address.  Although, I secretively know the only reason you are there for so long is due to the amount of time you spend socializing with your friends at the smoothie bar.  You are fit and the other ladies might be jealous or wish they “had the time” to do what you do.  You make yourself a priority, which can be threating to the other moms who would “never want to be you”…NOT!  You have the extra time to go the gym and you are likely a stay at home parent with a very active Pinterest account.  You don’t actually follow through or do the things, so you just pin them.  I know… one day… one day!  I admire you, the time you put into caring for yourself and for that I salute you…even if you often smell!

4.  The Working Mom

Once again you arrive dressed to impress.  Your outfits are always super cute, your life is hectic, and you constantly let everyone know it.  Yes we know “you work!”  We heard you the first thousand times you said it.  Some of the women feel threatened by you and take it personally when you talk about your life and the fact that “you work” as if it’s an attack or judgment on them.  I can only imagine what time you got up to somehow get ready yourself and get the kids to school…oh wait I can 5:00am because you tell us all the time!  You don’t necessarily relate to all the stay at home moms and don’t often get them nor do they get you.  Sometimes they even judge you and it’s wrong.  But be honest, sometimes you judge them too.  Regardless of whether you choose to work or have to, keep doing you.  I have no idea how you got everyone ready, packed lunches, and do all that you do and for that I salute you!

5.  The Pajama Momma

There you are again rocking those flannel pants and UGG boots.  You didn’t have time to change yet you had time to go to Starbucks.   Although you’re not so fancy with your order and you are drinking a regular pumpkin spice latte, skim of course. The other ladies can’t figure out if you don’t have time or just flat out don’t care.  You definitely aren’t going to the store next to run errands either, so perhaps you are going home to watch real housewives on DVR or Wendy Williams.  Either your “give a damn” is busted, you have confidence others would dream of, or you simply are overwhelmed.  No matter what your PJ wearing reason is I totally salute you and I’ll take comfy any day over tight pants!

6. The Fommy

It’s hard to miss you as you are one of few males at the school drop off and pick up.  You don’t come with Starbucks, workout clothes, or any gimmicks.  You are just cool and collected rocking a baseball cap and loose fit jeans. The cap likely is hiding your balding spot now that you are aging, but the good news is that the ladies don’t know it nor do they notice you checking out their butts in those yoga pants as they load and unload the car seats.  I bet you are aware of their VPL, but you don’t care!   Besides you aren’t “looking” because you are “happily married” and we all know it.  You either have a flexible job or truly are a Father- Mommy.  I wish I made up the term Fommy but I didn’t, I saw it in a movie.  Anyway, the other moms secretly crush on you a little because you are a Fommy and a man that takes care of his kids is just plain sexy to us ladies!  Your home arrangement may be different than ours and even though we know it we still hate on our spouses just a bit since they aren’t there like you are Fommy.  You listen to all of us chatty women every morning and do what you got to do and for that Fommy I salute you!

So maybe I left a few kinds of moms out, but let’s be serious here, there are so many!

All that are equally fabulous, who deserve the same sarcastic roast, and of course all which I salute!

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